"on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."
— The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
i've always had a thing for beginnings. endings, not so much. i guess that's the innate sprinter in me. so it's hard to look back on the past year, with a new year looming open and brand new before me. i feel full of hopes and dreams and resolutions—or rather, intentions, as i like to call them. it's easy at the beginnings of things to be full of hope and wonder, imagining the mysteries waiting to be discovered, dreaming dreams about all the things yet to be experienced and enjoyed (and eaten and read and written and explored and photographed!;). it's easier to dream than to do.
it's also hard to write about last year as a toddler wiggles like a twenty-five pound eel in my arms. this morning i was awoken to the sound of my daughter yelling "i did it!"—or else, "got it!"—i can't really remember what i heard while half-asleep. and i couldn't help but smile and wonder how we got to this point where our children get up before us and go play in the den by themselves (and then snuggle back into the covers and revel in this newfound freedom).
2016 was a year full of change, loss, accidents, new beginnings and learning. we celebrated four birthdays for the first time. i started blogging again. we took a road trip to virginia and started making family movies. we went to the beach (and now evienne says that's where she lives). we took evienne to the ER and lost our first baby, lars. we sold our first house and bought our second. we hosted thanksgiving. i didn't complete nanowrimo, but i did complete my first whole 30. i rediscovered my love of cooking and also, photographing. we built a compost bin and made plans for a spring garden. we fought, we cried, we laughed, we cooked, we made things, we read, and we were ever so grateful for where we are now.
last year more than ever, i have felt we are on a journey — i and my little family — and i don't always know the way and there is much failing and sometimes we get lost, but still, the journey continues and still, we are learning. one thing i've learned from this past year is my inclination to wander, to dawdle, to observe someone else's path and begin to think it's the one i should be on, to lose my direction. it's easier to get lost in the story that's already written, than to write your own — I mean that both figuratively and literally. it's easier to dream than to do. forging my own path, writing my own story, staying true to the journey i am on, that is the road less traveled, and it requires so much more trust and confidence, because it feels more uncertain. it requires more listening to the heart instead of seeing with the eyes. more pausing to reflect in quiet, less rushing about. more mindfully choosing your destinations, less ending up wherever you wander. more seeking the light, instead of hiding in the dark. more embracing the mess along with the magic, less worrying about what's not going right. more getting out of bed, less stealing those last minute snoozes. more doing, less dreaming.
2017 is a new year (here we come to the part i like), and i am looking forward to the journey we will be on this year. i don't really know what it will hold. i will still be a stay-at-home mom. i will still not have any daylight hours with arms free (except possibly for a few stolen minutes in the morning;). i will still make dinner every night (or mostly every night). i will still be fumbling my way through this motherhood and personhood and adulthood thing. i will still struggle to write. i will still drink too much tea. i will still make mistakes. i will still be learning.
here's to the wild, wonderful, messy, magical journey. here's to dreaming and doing.
