a birthday party

over the weekend we had a little party for wilder. just the grandparents and one good little buddy to help wish him a happy birthday. it was so simple and fun. my favorite part was of course watching him dig into his own cake, which, as is tradition (apparently??), was way more cake than any little needs (at least it was mostly healthy!). his face digging into it was so perplexed and serious. it's my favorite face.

i had so much fun decorating for this party, even though the very little i did took me SO long! 

i suppose i'd know that if i'd ever decorated for anything before...we must really love this little man;)

"a whole cake just for me? say wha'??"

mmm, smushy.

tasty too!

oh my gosh i'm so tired, where's my nap?

the cardboard is really the best part don't you know?

literally stuffing his face with cake.

and sharing, too.

his very own pony from grandma & grandpa!

totally not sure what's happening.

opening presents is fun for the wrapping mostly.

and a real grownup cake too, because otherwise it's not a party, duh.

the last of the snow

it's almost time to put away all our winter clothes, but before we do, i had to post these photos from our second week of snow, even though they're abominably snowman late.

i just can't get enough of this snow bunny:

Wilder in 2014, week 2*

i've been wanting to take weekly portraits of wilder, and the beginning of a new year is a good time to start.

can you believe this baby is 9 months old today? he is crawling and standing and "talking" all day long like he's going to be a toddler any minute now. naturally, he is just getting better and better. i really can't love those little dimples enough. i know i keep saying it, but this is all going by so (too) fast. can someone please stop time for me?

my favorite thing lately is when he lays his head on my shoulder just before and just after naps and bedtime. also, the way he says "mama" even if he doesn't really know what he's saying. it's the sweetest thing in the world.

*since i didn't post a photo for week 1 last week, i'll probably do a retroactive post for it. hope that doesn't disturb you too much. ;)

thankful for a happy, healthy baby

last thursday we were in the children's hospital with wilder, which was so scary and awful, but everything turned out fine and the neurologists diagnosed him with the apparently completely harmless "shuddering spells." we are so thankful to the Lord Jesus to be able to go home with him safe and healthy. it's made me feel that parenting is just about the scariest thing you can ever do. and i really feel for all the parents whose children are in the hospital with worse conditions. i don't ever want to take his health for granted. we are so, so blessed.

also, both of us somehow picked up fevers and runny noses from our 24 hours in the ER/hospital, and so this week we have been laying low, as you can imagine. except wilder, who is thrilled to be home and back on the floor where he can crawl to his heart's content. 

anyhow, now that we are home and happy and healthy, i wanted to share a few photos from over thanksgiving weekend of my boys playing. they have this special game where papa waves a sheet over wilder and wilder waves his hands around and giggles (this was pre-crawling). it's moments like these that make me wish we could stop time—or maybe bottle it up to be relived again and again.

remembering to treasure this

when i'm in the middle of a hard night of little sleep, which is usually followed by a long day (of no napping)—which seems to be happening a lot recently, it can be easy to want to check out. to let my mind wander to the weekend when wilder's playing on the floor. to check my email while i'm feeding him. to moan when he wakes up from only a thirty-minute nap. it's hard to be "on" every minute of every day.

but sometimes in bed at night loverboy and i watch videos we've taken of him on our phones and then, as i'm watching a video from only a month ago of him, i remember how fleeting this time is. and i'm encouraged to keep being present for every moment. i re-remember how exquisitely, painfully precious these every moments are. how evanescent. it makes me sad a little. but mostly, it makes me happy that i get to spend these moments with him. no matter how sleep deprived. i'm lucky.

now, if you so choose, behold the wonder of wilder's first time on the swings:




those happy feet kill me

life in these parts

my baby is growing up too fast. and also, we stuck our heads outside for a bit yesterday and it was lovely. i'd forgotten just how much i love this time of year. it's visceral. the crackly leaves, the smells of fire, the darkening skies, the dreams of hot cocoa and toasty marshmallows.

we've been hunkering down here a bit, while papa works really hard, and so the past three weeks have gone by like a blur, with probably lots to say, but not a lot of energy to say it.

but papa came home early for the second night in a row and the weather outside is delightful and we pulled the last of the meals i froze in preparation for baby out of the freezer so i haven't had to cook all week! and, thanks to daylight savings, i almost feel caught up on sleep. it's really quite nice.

so here's just a few photos from last night of my two handsome boys. we really love it when papa is home. we also love boxes.

6 months, hit with precision!

wilder hit the 6 month mark with precision today! can you believe it? i wasn't sure he was going to make it on time, and then, wham! 6 months! boom. it's shocking how prompt these babies are with their getting older.

it feels like i just had him about a second ago. so that means in, oh, five minutes, you can expect a tenth birthday announcement. i mean. can this baby really be already halfway to one whole year of living? how does the time go by so fast?

so, i get these weekly emails about my baby's current development. today in my inbox: "6 months: week 1." and sometimes i don't want to read them and find out all the things that are developing and what i should be doing with my baby now (baby signing, introducing solids, new toys and activities, sleep training, 6 month vaccines, teething, bathtime in the big tub, separation/stranger anxiety). sometimes i just want to pretend that he's still 3 months. just for a little while longer. because does he really need to start sitting up and crawling around and eating with a spoon? can't he stay a newborn whose biggest milestone is lifting his head up in tummy time? it's just—it's all so fast.

and also, this week is a bit hard because of all those above things, which means very little sleep happening around here. for everyone.

and i might be a little bit cranky about it. i quite enjoyed this article the other day about parenthood. i'm trying to carpe diem, because you should, you know. and i am. but sometimes each diem feels like a mini lifetime (of no sleep and lots of caffeine and not enough time). and so sometimes, i can't make up my mind. am i loving this time of life right now? do i want to go back? forward? maybe somewhere else entirely?

of course i am loving this time of life. of course i am. it's just the sleeplessness talking. i am also loving the thought of another day off. how about grownups get two birthdays a year? can we make that a rule?

dear six-month-old wilder baby,

you're mama loves you more than lots. more than lots and lots and lots. to the moon and back and all around the globe. i think you're the cutest, most amazing things that's ever happened ever. i especially love your trilling ticklish laughs, your gummy smile, the way you fold your lips in to munch on them, the dimples on your hands, your fuzzy baby hair, that sweet spot on your neck that's perfect for kissing,  and the way you stare. i love you, and i can't wait for six more months with you. now please go to sleep.

here is my heart,
kisses,

your mama.

my blessings

sometimes, you look at your husband and you realize the two of you just created the most amazingly perfectly beautiful little boy down to his pointy left ear and curly left eyelashes and those two little scars where his little fingernails cut him just under his left, quarter-Asian eye (darn those sharp little baby fingernails!). that's when you count your lucky stars that they are your family.

in preparation for my birthday coming up, i'm counting my lucky stars for these days. i can't believe i'm getting so old. i can't believe my baby is getting so old. i can't believe times is flying by so fast. but i am so happy to be here with these two. i hope this week lasts forever.

baby wilder {5.5 months}

i feel like i have a new baby this week. wilder is not even six months old yet, but ever since monday, i suddenly see a toddler where i used to have an infant. i was nearly in tears over it yesterday. loverboy tells me this is ridiculous and stands wilder on the floor to show me that he only comes up to knee height. while i'm thinking: knee height?? when did he get to be knee height?!

as of this week, this baby is almost sitting on his own. and then i realize how much of a baby he still really is when there is no change of expression as he face plants into the floor. i guess foresight knowledge hasn't kicked in yet, or else toppling doesn't concern him too much.

he has also discovered the power of his hands and is very good at grabbing things, especially hair.

every day i want to laugh and cry that my baby is no longer a tiny baby and that oh goodness, yes, he is, because look at these tiny shoulders. tiny baby shoulders! that's what heaven is made of. 

i also sometimes want to cry because his naps are getting shorter, and mama needs her own naptime. 

on baby time

babies are mindboggling timekeepers. they divide life into bite-sized increments of time: 2 x 2 hours of awake time, plus 2 x 2 hours of nap, plus 4 hours until bedtime = a day. somehow.

and then it gets even further divided: 30 minute car rides (max!), 5 minutes of tummy time, 1 hour of yoga, 10 minutes of tummy tickles, 2 minutes of hello texas!, 15 minutes of cleaning the bathroom...and so on. i find myself not really aware of the time of day; however, i am always aware of the exact clock time, inasmuch as it pertains to the baby schedule, which supersedes all other schedules. so time has totally different meanings for me now. as i was driving home from a book store this afternoon, i looked at the clock and calculated that by the time we got home it would be time for nap number 2. (i am always glancing at the clock and calculating. this is motherhood.) and i realized suddenly how much things have changed. how different time feels to me now.

afternoon no longer feels like afternoon — that slow mixture of the anxious restlessness of the unsatisfied closing of another day mixed with the impatience for the day's work to be at an end. the ends of days were for so long bittersweet to me. i wanted it to be over. i didn't want another day to end. does that make any sense? i didn't want time to move forward and i didn't want to be where i was. 

afternoon used to be the beginning of the end. the sun was harsher, not as welcoming. the day had lost its freshness, its capacity for possibility. it was too late to start anything, but too early to call it a day.

but now? afternoon is just the two hours between naps. two hours for lunch and playtime and a quick jaunt to the bookstore. you can only do so much in two hours. you have to choose carefully. maybe you will spend it reading books and rolling over and chewing on things. maybe you will take 10 minutes out to fold some laundry. maybe you will take another 10 to make lunch and eat it for your captivated audience. 

sometimes, an afternoon is this: a baby asleep in his carseat. (for two minutes.)

i'm very conscious that life is really sweet right now. these are good days. maybe the best. 

the blessings of babyland

last night i imagined wilder as a toddler, still chubby and buttery-skinned, pajama-clad and sleepy, standing in the doorway to his nursery on his own two feet, asking for something — to be tucked in or for a drink of water, i imagined — small arms and legs so independent and capable and yet, still so childlike —brushing the door frame or clutching the cotton front of his dinosaur pajama top or sleepily grazing the edge of his temple (as he's begun to do in real life) in that unaware, constantly moving way children have. i tried to imagine his little face, a grown up two- or three-year-old, and his little voice. what will he be like? will he really one day be standing and walking on his own? chirping real words in his baby bird voice?

it is one of the most tragic and also most mesmerizing thing as a mom, watching your baby grow. i both can't wait to see that grown up baby and am also desperately wanting him to stay just the way he is.

that is the thing about motherhood. it is a constant and perfect mixture of joy and pang. of days that are so full of wonder and days that are so ordinary you want to chew your socks off. of beauty and boredom. and maybe, i suspect, of tender sighs and holding your temper.

it is the most blessed and also the most un-awarded occupation i know. which is not the same thing as unawarding. you know what i mean, moms, right?

a few nights ago i read this post about motherhood. i found it so encouraging. even though i chose this occupation, and even though i am in love with it, i've suddenly found myself wishing for a job recently. i'm not exactly sure why. (yes i am, money, duh). maybe it would be nice to just pay someone else to vacuum my carpets and do my laundry and dust the darn knick knacks, i thought.

obviously, i don't miss the 8 am and 5 pm commute in traffic. or the sitting at a desk all day. or doing things all day long that i dont want to do (oh wait...). and it's not that i want to leave wilder with someone else (even if i occasionally wouldn't mind having my hands free for longer than an hour-long naptime. or you know, some adult conversation before 7 pm).

but sometimes, motherhood is monotonous. even while your baby is changing before your very eyes and you can't bear to look away for more than a minute, and at the same time, you also want to just look at something other than the very hungry caterpillar for the millionth time in four months...it can be a little lonely. a little boring. a little tedious.

this line: "in this mixed up media world of things to do and places to go and dreams to follow the beauty of simply being a mother is completely lost."

don't i know it? i have dreams! things to do! places to go! stuff to accomplish! when i look around day after day and there is my never-changing to-do list of laundry, dishes, vacuuming filling up my schedule, it can be frustrating.

when my accomplishments of the day are: "laundry folded and folded and folded."

and, "the things that don't get celebrated on Pinterest that much."

amen.



but in the end, i am so thankful for what i have right now. it is my blessing to be the one to pick the boogers out of this booger's nose. to be the one to move him from playmat to bumbo to bouncy seat. to be the one whose hairs he grabs, whose shoulders he gnaws on, whose kisses tickle his tummy. i want to stumble to the bathroom in the morning with just time to remove my retainers before getting the baby up. i want to have my shirt yanked and neck scratched while nursing because my baby is the most aggressive eater ever. i want to open all the curtains to let the morning in while we set up camp on the floor —tummy time for him, downward dog for me. i want to gauge the stage of fussiness by the number and urgency of his little left leg kicks. i want to rinse sophie the giraffe off for the umpteenth time after its been thrown on the floor and licked by the dog. i want to hurriedly run from nursery to kitchen to laundry room in the evenings, trying to fit in all the chores i didn't do during the day because i was too busy reading dr. seuss's alphabet book and encouraging someone to roll over again. i want to look sideways at the baby monitor while i write this, and spy on him sleeping in his bassinet, my little swaddled caterpillar.

and sometimes, when we're lucky, like this week, i want to meet a friend at the most awesome little children's store in my most favorite neighborhood and then walk our strollers over to yogli mogli for frozen yogurt and pretend i'm like an urban mom or something. and then i want to spend an afternoon in the pool with another friend and her two babies and reflect on how easy i have it now while my baby is still relatively immobile and not yet talking;). and actually, now that i think about it, i want every week to be like this week.

it may not bring in a pay check or any awards, but this week in babyland there was lots of slobber and lots of laughs and a little bit of sugar. and that is more than enough.

bradley group reunion, with all the babies!

over the weekend we got to meet up with all our bradley group classmates (and our awesome teachers) and their babies. it was great seeing the new additions to the families. all the babies together! oh the yumminess! makes you just want to have another. not right now, of course!

i kind of imagined that we were going to sit around in a circle (like all our classes) and get to hear everyone's birth stories (woa, some of the ones i did get to hear...birthing is not easy!), but it was really nice to just hang out, drink lemonade, see who's munchkin got dramatic and fussy first (ours, naturally;).

a few photos of our time:

a group shot with our teachers. and almost in order of birth! wilder should be third, but he cut the line. ;)

the last four photos are by Wendy, at whose house we met. her little man is the oldest (and wisest), by far. thanks for the great photos, Wendy!