reflections on this season

lately my thoughts have been circling around what this season of motherhood and my life looks like right now, as i reflect on the meaning of spring (yes, i know, it's basically summer...can we agree that i'm just always going to be late to the party? yes? okay good.). outwardly we are celebrating the arrival of shorts-wearing temperatures, planting our gardens, and approaching our cleaning lists with something akin to joy, but i've been under this realization that i am in a season of spring personally, as well.

i like to think that spring is a time for refreshment and possibility. for hope. it's funny when i compare this spring to last spring. it's really hard for me to look back in a way,  because i think i generally tend to forget the bad stuff...and i've forgotten a lot of last year;). but i do know that this spring, i feel more content.

i was telling a friend of mine recently that the stay at home mom life has ebbs and flows. some weeks are just so hard. and some weeks are so completely lovely. this spring i've been feeling both in balance and out of balance. in balance more with myself and a little out of balance with my motherhood. i think i am in a new season with my kids where they are asking just a bit more than i've been accustomed to give, and so i am feeling that stretch of having to cope with increased demand. it is a season that i am simultaneously cherishing and feeling completely incompetent for. a little like i'm failing. or missing something. missing patience. missing nap time. missing energy. missing inspiration. missing focus. missing my alone time. missing the two extra arms i must have originally been destined to have for these two kids (ha;). and even so, i am still madly in love with my role as a mother.

i am also more in balance with myself. which is to say, i am feeling more at peace with my life. with all that has come before and all that is. learning to accept and let go (at least a little bit) my victimhood, my yearning, my complaints, my unrealized expectations. learning to embrace the life i've been given. experiencing joy in simple things. in God. in my husband. in my children. in just living.

but sometimes it's easy in spring to feel like you are just getting ready for summer. bikini body workouts (or failed attempts at;) and beach-trip planning and restocking your sunscreens. especially the last two weeks it's been a mad dash for making sure we have everything we need for this trip (why is it that trips are always accompanied by a long list of errands you've been putting off?!). i like to think that my master procrastination organizational skills come to the fore in these moments;). and even though all of those things can be kind of fun because it's something tangible to focus on, i actually end up feeling unfocused, distracted, and discontent. somehow i start to think that my life service is making trips to targets and checking things off my to-do list, and sadly, the kids feel my impatience when i am Just Trying To Get All The Things Done!

so, i've been thinking too, about how to slow down. how to live a simpler life. how to live a small life (does that even make sense?).

even though i have a hundred things and goals that i am wanting to accomplish, and even though i have been feeling like i don't have enough hours in the day for it all (or maybe because of that?), i am also desperately wanting to slow down. i'm sure someone else reading this might be like: but do you do anything besides mother?? why do you need to slow down?? and i know right?! what do i DO all day long? i don't know if i necessarily need to slow down outwardly (although, yes, fewer trips to all the stores would be nice). maybe what i am really wanting is to slow down inwardly. settle in. soak in the moments (i know it's all i talk about and i'm sure it looks like that's all that's taking place). this feeling began with the birth of wilder and has just become more and more potent as i look back on two sets of photos and videos and feel like each of my babies was a newborn just days ago, only to be confronted by the real-life mystery of them now walking and talking. but i am not just talking about slowing down so that i can enjoy my kids, although yes, that is surely a motivation. i am talking about slowing down the incessant whirlwind inside. to live more purposefully. with a goal in mind.

and what is my goal?

i think my goal is to be more still. (i'm not talking about being still long enough to read a book for hours, because trust me, i've got that one nailed.;)

to be still in my motherhood, knowing that that is my primary goal and concern.

to be still in my social media interaction, instead of being overwhelmed by all the photos and images and letting them influence my perspective on life.

to be still inwardly and rest in God, no matter what life brings.


for now, i'm off to practice the art of sitting still and reading a book at the beach! ;)

planting a garden {micro vlog}

a few weeks — months — ago we went to the gardening store and picked up a few plants for our tiny little garden. we built the garden bed last year (our first time trying to grow anything!), and it didn't do too well because we were such novices, so this time we kept it simple and didn't buy any seeds, just plants. we planted strawberries, thyme, french lavender, purple sage, pineapple sage, some peppers and some flowers! it was a lot of fun and hopefully we'll actually get to eat some from this garden! especially since i'm actually remembering to water this year. ;) maybe next year we'll branch out even more.

a visit from friends

last week one of my oldest, dearest friends came to stay with her husband, little boy and pregnant belly;). it had been almost four years (their wedding) since i'd seen her in person, but it felt like no time at all had passed. i think that's always true of the friends you are most comfortable and at home with. it also helps that we text almost daily, so there isn't a period of "catching up" on what our respective lives are like right now. i love modern technology for that reason alone, because most of my closest friends are at least states away, not to mention time zones. there was actually one point when three of my closest friends all lived in different countries! i also think it's interesting that most of the friends i have kept closest to are the oldest ones. friends i made in infancy, almost. and now we are all flung around the world and country. but it can almost (almost) feel like we are together every day, when we are constantly texting stories and photos to each other. weird and wonderful. to me it's like having real sisters, and i cherish it so much.

but anyways, finally being able to sit across the table and drink a cup of coffee (and munch a donut, that's important!;) while we watch our littles roll over each other on the floor, was sooo good. there was a lot of kid refereeing, a lot of making/serving/cleaning up food (per usual), a lot of coffee drinking, a lot of talking. one day we took the kids outside in the yard, and evie promptly jumped into the (never-before-seen-to-her) garden, naturally. and naturally i took a bunch of pictures before taking her out (don't tell j;). the boys ran around and played with sticks and chalk and the dog, being regular kids. it was w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. and i am so thankful that they made the trip to see us.

but i think what i value the most from this visit is a realization i had of how much i learn from my friends. have learned and am still learning. i think that from my parents i learned how to be. and from my friends, especially the friends i have now, i am learning how i want to be. is that strange to say? i am always impressed with them, so much. and i don't know if they realize it (probably not). this isn't to heap flattery on anyone or compliment anyone (don't go getting big heads guys!;). it's just a realization i had of how much i have to learn from these dear ones close to me.

what i mean to say is that i am so thankful to have companions whom i admire and love and look up to. i count myself so blessed. thank you friends for showing me how to love. how to accept. how to be gracious and kind. how to take care of people. how to be selfless and loving. i think it's fair to say that what i am seeing in you is actually God Himself, shining in you. so, thank you for showing me who i want to be. thank you for bringing God to me.

and now for the photos:)

spring: welcoming a forest and decluttering a house

it's almost spring! spring has been in the air for a good week or so now here, but now that it's almost officially spring, i decided it was the perfect time to add to our indoor forest. i don't know why i've suddenly gotten this green bug. believe me, we did not have any plants in the house growing up...or maybe one or two but i'm pretty sure they died before i even noticed them. so i'm pretty proud of myself for having kept alive four of the six plants i got last spring. i have no idea how! and actually another one is on its way out...

but anyways, yesterday morning i had the brilliant idea of going to find some more plants who like low to medium light conditions. and average watering. and basically no nourishment whatsoever. ;P those seem to be the only ones i can keep a alive so far. but i say brilliant because evie is at the stage now where she is not very content to just sit in the cart or be held but she also can't be trusted to walk around by herself anywhere. especially not where plants or anything breakable is concerned. it's like she has a beacon for the things she should not be getting into the most. a danger beacon haha! i laugh, but it is making our outings a leeetle crazier than ever and my ability to keep up with two is getting tried, let me tell ya! i'm almost convinced that from now on our only outings can be child-friendly places where it's okay for her to touch everything. shopping with two is just ridiculous, and we may have annoyed everyone + almost broken something (normal, right?!). but i did manage to find three more friendly greens for our house so craziness well worth it i say! on the other hand i should probably wait and see if i keep these alive first;).

i know it's not just me that is starting to have an intense craving for the perfectly curated home with nothing in it but white. maybe it's the fact that i've been on social media a lot more recently and suddenly my eyes are opened to all the (superficial, yes) beauty of the minimal white. i have always been a minimalist. i have always loved white. and i have always loved getting rid of stuff, so this new(ish?) fad is like catnip for me. i could totally live in an igloo. ;)

no, but seriously, i would just love to move into an itty bitty, bright white, clean, blank palate so that i could get rid of all my stuff and just start fresh with only the basics. i know that's really unrealistic though, and i'm not really seeing our moving out of this house anytime soon (although even poor lars would really, really like to live somewhere without stairs!), so i've decided to embrace the forest that we live in and...bring it inside! i so, so, so much want my kids to have the kind of childhood i had where i played outside with nothing but nature and my imagination for hours on end. don't you think everyone is happier that way? i actually did some deep spring clearing this week and got rid of alllll the big, plastic, colorful, crazy baby junk/toys. i think wilder noticed that one thing was missing (which he called a "mailbox" when it most definitely was not, so i think he'll find it easy to replace with his imagination;). i've already noticed the weight lifting with a little of the clutter gone. i actually did not read marie kondo's book, even though i want to, because i kind of feel like she'll be preaching to the choir with me. i was born throwing stuff away. (why can't i get emojis on my keyboard? and what kind of age am i living in where i need emojis to illustrate what I'm saying??)

so all this long rambling is just to say that i'm excited about this next season! who knows what this spring and summer will bring? i have a feeling there will be lots of greenery and being outside and playing in the dirt, and i'm okay with that. in fact, i think i'm beginning to like the looks of it. do your worst, muddy feet! bahahaha! ;)

i love this picture of wilder. he is so tired of me taking pictures of him! ;)

what i felt while cooped up inside today

oh perfect spring day
wouldst thou to stay
if i had my way
or better, a genie—
golden and whimsical
light and ephemeral—
t'would wish you to tarry,
to snooze and to dally,
since i can't come play 
whilst under the grind,
and this pile of reading
to keep up the grades
and get through the ivy.
please stick around,
until graduation day.

love,
me.

first week! yeah!

oh this first week back to school (my last quarter of grad school—or any school, hopefully!) has been a douzy.

but only because we've got a sick pup-pup over here. which is never fun. or you know, sanitary.  i've been up to my elbows in unmentionable. but you don't want to hear about that. no, i'm sure you don't want to hear about the explosion of unmentionable i found in his crate when i got home yesterday. or how i discovered there are many helpful howtocleanunmentionableoutofyourcarpet videos on youtube. you definitely don't want to hear about what happened all over the kitchen after i'd cleaned for about three hours straight.

especially if you're eating. that's when you really don't want to hear about it.

so, i won't tell you. and i definitely won't post any photos about it. ;)

but while we're on the topic of eating (right? that's what we were talking about...right?;), tonight we got to go out and meet some friends at yeah! burger, which i would like better if the veggie burger was a little less mushy, but it's still pretty good, and hey! they were number one in bon appetit in 2010! and it was definitely lots of fun with the friends! is it just me or does the exclamation point make this place seem even more exciting!!


so, yeah! burger:
1 star for organic, gluten-free-, eco- and vegetarian-friendly
1 star for being locally owned (i think?)
1 and 1/2 star for taste
= 3.5 stars
really good! go! if you live in atlanta!

p.s. what's happening to my photos when i upload from flickr? why do they get all grainy like? i swear they are actually bigger than what i've uploaded them at so that shouldn't be the reason... anyone got some blog know-how for me?

spring doth commence

...with a bowl of spring-colored peanut m&m's

...which i nearly ate all of, all by myself.

Because it seems that spring is the season for new beginnings — and because my hormones are going crazy and it seems like my hair will never have another good day again — i went out and got myself a haircut today, which, though it may not work wonders, probably makes everyone who looks at me a little happier that they no longer have to see my fuzzy, damaged ends. so, mission accomplished. also, i thought my day would get a little more cheerful if i snagged these colorful bites of crunchy heaven and what do you know, i was right. maybe a little too right, as i ended up eating probably half of them while watching some fill-in online tv (suburgatory is kind of funny, right?), while waiting for my lasagna (why yes, i am a super housewife goddess! or i could be if i could just get my degree already!) to cook. Actually, i'm quite proud of that lasagna, since i didn't have to buy a thing to make it and managed to use up all our leftovers, too. it possibly has penne noodles instead of lasagna noodles on the insides, but who really notices the insides, anyways. pasta tastes like pasta. am i right?  

You may be wondering at this point if all i do is run around shopping and cooking and having my hair done. i wish. but no, i did get up before ten and slave away on my manuscript. ooo, i love saying that. my manuscript. makes me feel all writerly. which, by the way, is WAY overrated. if you ever have the itch to write a book, do yourself a favor and just squelch it right there in its tracks. that's right. like a bug. stomp on it before it ever sees the light of the living day. or else. 

So, i did do some writing today, even though it's my 'break.'  and maybe that accounts for my bad mood the rest of the day. huummmpff. and then it was off to see the wizard behind the macy's glass counter, where i found a perfectly lovely watch that begged me to take it home, but alas, twas not to be. maybe tomorrow though.

All of that to say that today was somewhat better than bad, but certainly worse than good. if you know what i mean. the best part was watching this (i'm obsessed) with the hub, while enjoying some savory not-lasagna.

Happy First Day of Spring!

happy march day!

i'm so sorry for being mia and all that, but i'm a little swamped in real life right now; 

however, i had to say happy march 1st! because who doesn't love the firsts of things? 

and because who doesn't love march? and springtime? not me, i love it. ;)

so anyways, i also have a little list of things i'm looking forward to in march: 

1. completing all my rewrites for this thesis-majigeree

2. a break from school! yay! so i can keep writing my thesis :(

3. the first day of spring!! don't you love spring? i hope it's longer than last year!

4. a wedding, a wedding! can't wait to see my beautiful sisinlaw in her wedding dress!

5. going to as much yoga as i can before my passes expire!

6. keep on running, gosh am i glad i started that up again!

7. visit the doctor to make me good as new again (he will, right??)

8. and i'd love to finally do this. 

9. and this.

10. and this!

and who knows if i'll have time for anything else, but i'd love to hear what you're 

doing in march! anything exciting! i'd dearly love to throw a spring party, but

don't know if it's in the cards. anyone throwing a spring party for me?
let's have these flowers:

via

love, 

B

being writerly

working outside.

i love being able to sit outside in the sunshine

and do some writing. i don't mind if it's starbucks

if i can just sit and be writerly for awhile in good outside weather.

in fact, this is my career goal:) -

 

things that grow

berry bushes!

so, i want one of these berry bushes. or maybe i just want to 

go pick strawberries somewhere. 

either way, i want a spring day. 

where are you spring? 

(it's still very overcast today. with a chance of rain all week).

i still love you too, rain.

the end of break

a husband who cooks

while i'm busy starting my new job

and getting acquainted with an online class. 

...

spring quarter has already begun. 

thanks for being my hero, jazz!

p.s. i love him.