THE B ROLL: 30

Showing posts with label 30. Show all posts

Saturday, October 5, 2013

searching for the sun at 29 + goodbye to 30

when i was 29 a friend told me that the sun was not in a good place in my horoscopian sky, which was her way of explaining (mostly jokingly) why things weren't going so well for me at the time. i'm half chinese, and so i kind of love to hear ridiculous superstitions like that. it was hugely comforting, for no apparent reason. it took the pressure off. or maybe, it was just an acknowledgement, one which i'd had a hard time making—that life sucked. had been sucking.

it was nice for me to finally say, this right here? this is no good. this is very bad. sometimes it takes an astrological explanation to be able to finally accept: i'm sad.

i was on the verge of many things, in the middle of many things. not many of those things felt good at the time — married, without children, armed with an expensive mfa degree that i wasn't entirely sure how i was going to use (or pay back). i was also coming off the hormonal roller coaster of a miscarriage and a six year stint of teeth-gritted nongrieving. i fought the grieving hard. i simply didn't (don't) know how to do it.

last year on my birthday, i wrote about how hard my twenties had been. for most of it, i felt like i was groping in the dark. wherever it was, my proverbial sun was elusive. it was a season of winter and major SADness was going on. i was happy and sad to see it go at the same time.

but even though i was mourning my twenties, i predicted that 30 was going to be a fantastic year. and you know what? i didn't even know the half.

having wilder was the best birthday gift ever. i am so thankful for this family. even when they drive me crazy and exhaust me, and i really need a day off (thanks loverboy for letting me take friday off!).

this year has been so full. of moving and birthing and keeping a baby alive. of snuggles and laundry and painting and donuts and fussies and bouncing and drool. and most of all, of love.

so, thanks 30. you really were a fantastic year.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

sometimes turning 30 is an angsty apple-filled hope

you know, i was going to wait until i had a great little happy speech prepared to share with you about how i'm celebrating this new, grand year of being 30 and a lot of other optimistic stuff.

but.

but it turns out that when i wait for something perfectly positive to say, things tend to get a bit silent around here. it's not that i can't see any silver linings. but feeling like i have to write something super positive is very stifling to my creative spirit. i mean, let's face it, i can be a little bit of a grey rain (storm) cloud. but even if its pretty valid, i don't like to be all moany and weepy. i mean, not in public. i like to do it fine in the privacy of my own home or with friends. ;)

but here is my trying-not-sound-too-dramatic-about-it, no-longer-twenty-something thoughts:

so...30.

30 is a little sad to me. i think a little teeny tiny part of it is that i had fewer birthday wishes this year. and no matter how old i get, i still want to be remembered on my birthday. call me self-centered :P

but mostly, im sad to be leaving a whole decade behind. i will never be 20 again. and somehow 30 doesn't have the same air of youth to it. i mean, you never hear anyone say "young 30-something."

the truth is that my 20s have been absolute, darkest dungeon, pit of hell misery. really, i'm pretty grateful to have survived them. so you'd think that i'd be happy to let them go. and i have hope that i will get to that place of happiness. but for now, i'm still in mourning. mourning what i've lost. what went wrong. what turned out to be nothing like what i had ever wished for myself and my life. which was a lot of things. it's hard to let go of some dreams.

i feel like i know less about life, myself, the world, and the way of things than i ever did before. and shouldn't the opposite be true? shouldn't i have learned something in the last decade? i mean, in all the things i've gone through, shouldn't i have learned more? actually, i felt like i learned a whole lot from 18-24 (probably too much). and then everything i thought i understood was taken and turned inside out and since then, life has been a great huge mystery to me.

i earnestly, desperately pray that i will begin to understand in this next ten years. the one thing i know is that i don't want another decade of regret.

but i will say, this new year had an excellent beginning. on the morning of october 6th we fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams which was to go to an apple orchard and pick apples. oh my gosh y'all. i never knew apples could taste like sunshine and fresh air and honeysuckle and springtime. i also never knew that apple trees could be so small. they are called dwarf trees, if you couldn't guess. and they were literally drooping with apples. it was glorious. not to mention the fried apple pies, a Native American in full costume (complete with mesh shorts), the ride on the tractor, and miniature pumpkins! it may have inspired a new lifelong dream to live on an orchard farm. where we grow things to eat and also have mini donkeys and baby goats (because duh, that's what you find on farms!). dear God, i really think that would be an excellent way to spend my 30s, how about you?

so, now that my moaning and weeping is out of the way, i will go forth and enjoy this new year...although i reserve the right to be angsty about things on occasion. it wouldn't do to jump into my 30s as a full-fledged, emotionally-balanced adult. then what would i have to learn? right? ;)