one for the birds

when we moved into our new house one of the things i noticed right away was how many birds (and squirrels) there were in our backyard every morning. so after two weeks of an "autumn" theme in our home-forest-pre-school, we decided to do a bird exploration this week. so far we have not done much other than buy a bird feeder and make bird food. aaaaannnnndddd it turns out that none of the birds wanted the bird food we put out. but evie did! i was laughing so hard when i was stringing up the little bird food shapes that we made because she was reaching for them on her tip-toes as i was doing it, like it was a piñata. i love this age and how evienne is not at all put off by what people around her think about what she's doing. if she wants something, she's going for it! so, i think i ended up feeding my children and the squirrels more with this bird food (j was entirely skeptical about my homemade approach and i guess he was right on this one). but! it was fun to make and a good morning's project, so to me: success!
it's not always easy to do this type of project with kids because they are invariably falling off the chairs at the counter or trying to climb ON the counter and knocking over the ingredients or trying to eat the ingredients. evienne did NOT understand or appreciate that we weren't making a treat for her to eat, haha. but i'm willing to put up with some mess and chaos to try to bring my kids more into the kitchen and awaken their curiosity and wonder. i remember as a kid being so fascinated with cooking, and was beyond thrilled on the day that i decided and succeeded in making a veggie soup all by myself. and i was going to do an art project of painting the bird house with the kids before nixing that idea, so compared to that potential mess, this was nothing! ;)
other things on our agenda this week are picking up all the bird books i've requested from our library and maybe visiting a nature center to see if we can spot any birds we're reading about. and we'll probably pull out our crayons and markers to try drawing some bird pictures. mama is not so good in the drawing department, so that should be worth a few laughs. ;)

goings on around here {outside}

lately life has felt a little...expectant. pregnant with possibility (but maybe just hope. or maybe that's just the rain talking). stagnant too maybe. or heavy? not slow, but not moving. likely this is just the feeling one has after a lot of activity. and i think I've been tying this feeling to my own lack of motivation to go anywhere or do anything with the kids these past few days. it is hard to be pulled in many directions all at once and to want to give yourself to each direction fully, but never being able to. that is motherhood these days. not bad, but...i am ready for some more adventure with these two.

but yesterday, we didn't have any plans, and i was contemplating another day indoors until i realized, hey, i have a perfectly acceptable yard. not an ideal one, sure. not a perfect one, by far. but i am finally learning that when it is spring, when it is not too chilly, when it is not yet hot, when there is a break from the rain, you go outside. you do not worry about stray dogs or stray poop in the yard or snakes or the extra energy spent on jackets and boots. you go outside and you play in the dirt and everyone is happy as can be.

a kitchen perspective

so much of life is perspective.

i sometimes hate this kitchen. actually, a lot of times i hate this kitchen. it's funny how you can start to love sad, ugly things though. like this kitchen. i really, really don't like the fake wood laminate countertops and back splash (who does?!). or the really bad caulk job on the sink. or the peeling paint. or all the nooks and crannies that just never seem to get clean.

so much of my life seems to take place in the kitchen these days. it amazes me sometimes how many meals there are in a day (and snacks! sometimes snacks are like another meal altogether!). how so many people with multiple kids get around to baking or home-made yogurt is beyond me. i am truly maxed out in the kitchen, right now.

also, i feel like this season of illnesses has been exponentially longer than any i've ever experienced. i'm sure it has to do with adding another kid to the mix and having little friends who are school-age, too, but we sure have been through the ringer. (will it ever end?!) and so it seems like every sunday i am cooking up a big batch of chicken rice soup and then putting a pot of bone broth on the stove, too.

sometimes i wish i had more time to feel relaxed and happy in the kitchen instead of my usual, frantic chaos, just trying to get food on the table before someone falls off a piece of furniture, gets smothered by their older sibling, starts to meltdown and/or demands to be held. right now the kitchen feels like my angry place, haha.

and, yet.

this kitchen takes care of this little family of mine.
because of this kitchen, i can stay home with my babies.
because of this kitchen, i am able to feed and nourish the little (and big) bodies in this house.
and because of this kitchen, i feel the satisfaction of hard work.

when i'm washing the dishes and wiping down all the surfaces every night after a long day, i feel a little joy in it. it is a place of work, yes. but it is also a place of satisfaction. i think that's the dividends from hard work for the ones we love.

and it's also, my little kitchen. it's not much. it's really poorly made. none of the cabinets are flush. the drawers are too narrow for utensil organizers. it's kind of ugly. and dirty. but it's ours. and it reminds me of the blessings we have. the blessing of being home in these precious years.

i think part of the joy is in taking care of it, even when it's not much. even when it seems that all my efforts of cleaning don't pay off all that much (and have to be repeated every.single.night). there is joy in the simple, hard things that are ours. that are imperfect, flawed. sometimes, ridiculously flawed. and yet, they are ours.

i really am talking about my kitchen, but i believe this applies to so many other things in life. lately i've been thinking about how happiness is a choice. how so much of what we love is a choice.

sometimes, it's hard to see. this kitchen might be (and yes, often has been) a depressing space for me. the overhead fluorescent lights are exposed. the fridge is too small, too beige. everything is a sickly shade of orangey-yellow (you should have seen it with wallpaper!). there's not enough counter-space and i'd love a full-size oven. but it has also been so full of things that transform it into something to cherish, to love. it's a space i work hard in and work hard to take care of, to keep clean, to make comfortable and useful. it's a space to make pancakes with my firstborn. it's a space to watch my littles help me unload the dishwasher. it's a space for collecting the art work wilder has made us. it's a space for our family to-do list. it's a space for holding my grandmother's fine china. those things make it beautiful.

so many things in life are hard, are ugly, are sad, are hopeless-seeming. but also, so much of what i've thought was hard, ugly, sad, hopeless, depends entirely upon my perspective. and my choice. on my willingness to see past the defects, the imperfections, the flaws. to believe in what is good about it. to let it overwhelm my feelings, instead of trusting what i feel.

the more i look for the good, the more i believe in the good, the more i find it. it's everywhere! of course, truly, sometimes it's easier to find and sometimes it's harder. sometimes it's impossible. but we often have a choice of what we will allow ourselves to be open to. what we allow to overcome ourselves, even. our expectations, our desires, our limited sight, our hopes, our feelings.

obviously, i'm not talking about the really, really hard things in life. there is hard. and then there is tragedy and trauma and heartbreak. and those can't just be made beautiful and good by looking for it.  i would never tell someone in grief that they should look at things differently. or that they even have the choice. none of us knows what anyone else's choices really are.

but for me, i'm starting to realize that with many things in my life, i have a choice.

and even though this kitchen is ugly, i choose to see the good in it.

i would still love granite countertops and a fireplace and etc. but i'm thankful for the opportunity to love the ugly things, too. the things that are my blessings, though i don't always recognize them.

i've bathed my beautiful baby girl in this kitchen sink (it's also the sink that caught all wilder's throw up yesterday!;).

and how could i ever hate a kitchen that contained all this beauty and love and joy?

:

i adore adore adore her.

i love you, you old, ugly kitchen!