Saturday, October 5, 2013

searching for the sun at 29 + goodbye to 30


when i was 29 a friend told me that the sun was not in a good place in my horoscopian sky, which was her way of explaining (mostly jokingly) why things weren't going so well for me at the time. i'm half chinese, and so i kind of love to hear ridiculous superstitions like that. it was hugely comforting, for no apparent reason. it took the pressure off. or maybe, it was just an acknowledgement, one which i'd had a hard time making—that life sucked. had been sucking.

it was nice for me to finally say, this right here? this is no good. this is very bad. sometimes it takes an astrological explanation to be able to finally accept: i'm sad.

i was on the verge of many things, in the middle of many things. not many of those things felt good at the time — married, without children, armed with an expensive mfa degree that i wasn't entirely sure how i was going to use (or pay back). i was also coming off the hormonal roller coaster of a miscarriage and a six year stint of teeth-gritted nongrieving. i fought the grieving hard. i simply didn't (don't) know how to do it. 

last year on my birthday, i wrote about how hard my twenties had been. for most of it, i felt like i was groping in the dark. wherever it was, my proverbial sun was elusive. it was a season of winter and major SADness was going on. i was happy and sad to see it go at the same time. 

but even though i was mourning my twenties, i predicted that 30 was going to be a fantastic year. and you know what? i didn't even know the half.

having wilder was the best birthday gift ever. i am so thankful for this family. even when they drive me crazy and exhaust me, and i really need a day off (thanks loverboy for letting me take friday off!).

this year has been so full. of moving and birthing and keeping a baby alive. of snuggles and laundry and painting and donuts and fussies and bouncing and drool. and most of all, of love.

so, thanks 30. you really were a fantastic year.


  1. This made me teary. I'm so happy that the last year has been good to you. You deserve all of the happiness.

    Last week I had a totally random dream. I don't remember many of the details, but I know this much: I was hanging out with you, your baby (though I'm pretty sure it wasn't Wilder since it was a girl!), and your sweet momma. She was smiling that beautiful smile that she always wore:) I hope each day gives you a little more peace, a little more happiness, and a little more love. Cheers to 31!

  2. I love this, yes because it is so beautiful and because it is so like hearing you tell me this in real life, but also because i can sympathize. The thirties, which for some reason I had been prepared to dread, seem to have defied so many low expectations. I hope your 31 continues this upward trajectory and brings even more better things :)