my baby is a year old//wilder in 2014, week 15

wilder had his first birthday today. it was a bittersweet affair for me. mostly sweet, but also, truthfully, a little sad too. maybe it's silly, but i can't help mourning his babyhood, even though he's still a baby really.

i can't believe it's been a whole year since wilder was born. i feel like it was just yesterday. after we put him to bed, loverboy and i spent a lot of time looking at all our photos of him over the past year (as we often do), and i was in tears and also laughing so hard watching some of the little videos we have of him. we are pretty much in awe of how much he's changed + how much he's changed our lives.

this year has been the fullest, happiest, brightest, most hectic year. i never knew anything about parenthood until this year. i never had an inkling of the joy, the wonder, the delight, the love. i never even wondered about it, actually. i wanted kids—but it was an abstract want, as it is when you want something that you don't really understand. (like marriage, ha!) but so far in my experience, babies are the most wonderful things in life. at least this baby is. his little dumpling feet, his baby dimples, his fuzzy hair, and most especially, the way he rubs his nose with his fists when he is tired. his still quite unbalanced tottering, his squealing laugh, and the silly little things that make him giggle (like an unexpected game of peekaboo). the way he still munches on everything he comes across, the quick way he pops his head up from a nap, and recently, the angry, scrunching, crocodile-tear little face he makes (while balling up his fists) whenever he can't have something he wants. these are the things that dreams are made of. i can't imagine a better first year of motherhood.

i wish i could bottle him up at this age, because he is perfect. i suspect i will just keep saying that with each passing day. but i'm afraid i will not feel the same way about toddlerhood as i do about babyhood. do you know what i mean? babies! i never was one to care about babies. frankly, even other people's babies are not all that interesting to me. but oh gosh, this baby. he has my heart and soul wrapped up in that dumpling, dimpled little hand.

so, this little boy will be my baby until it's beyond absurd. but right now, thankfully, it's not absurd. he is still my baby.