hurray! and sob! this whole feeling all the feelings when your baby gets another year older is so conflicted. i am so proud of and in love with the little person my baby boy is becoming. but on the other hand i'd really love for him to stay this little forever. or mostly forever. ;) has it really been three whole years since i first held this little guy in my arms for the first time? i was so shell-shocked and traumatized by my natural birth that at the time i couldn't really comprehend that i was holding my first baby for the first time. all i could think was why are they letting me hold him?? i'm going to drop him in the water!! (i had a water birth.) but now i wish i could go back to that moment and live it all over again. ever since having kids i've become so aware that i will never get any of these moments back again, and they are so beyond precious to me that i am trying my hardest to live them as if i am getting them for the first, second, and last time. if that makes any sense? i want to look back and know that i've really enjoyed these moments, not skimmed over them the way we do when we are restlessly trying to get to the next moment. and believe me, there are many moments as a stay-at-home mom when you are just trying to get to the next moment, when the food is made or the errand is done or the chore is accomplished and you can pay attention to what your kid is trying to get you to look at, but NOT RIGHT NOW! maybe it's just me but i feel like there have been so many moments, especially in the last year since we had evienne, that i've been like "can't you see i'm doing something?!" but i really try to stop myself from feeling/acting that way, because i think those are the moments when we have an opportunity to stop our constant rushing and pay attention to what really matters. there is this little house a few streets away from ours whose yard is full of custom, hand-made, wood carvings, and wilder has been fascinated with them ever since he could look out the window. one of the carvings is this totem pole with a bird head on the top, which he calls"the funny bird," and we've always slowed way down as we pass it so he can get a good look. lately though he discovered that there is a "broken bird" behind the "funny bird" which he can only see if we go past the house a certain way. we almost never have a reason to go past the house that way, so almost every time i come home now i take a longer route and do a u-turn just so wilder can see "the broken bird." i am often tempted to tell him that i can't go that way because it does take extra time, but then i remember that he's giving me an opportunity to slow down and share in the wonder of a two-year-old, and it makes me so happy to hear the delight in his voice.
he has also taken to grabbing my hand lately, to take me where he wants me to go, to make me pay attention to him, and it is oh so sweet.
he may not even remember any of these things about his life right now, but i hope i never forget them. these tiny little moments of life that hardly seem worth writing about, these are what make up the magic of my life.
my dearest darling wilder,
never lose your sense of wonder. never lose your sense of humor. never lose your sense of adventure. never stop learning and being curious. i love your alphabet-obsession, the little jokes you make, your constant questions, your requests for me to tell you something funny about you, the way you ask me for a hug and then tell me to go when i tuck you in at night, your love and care for evienne, your love of all things animal + insect, being a bookworm, eating the things you don't like on your plate but only if i feed them to you, not wanting me to call you anything but "wilder" (but it's really hard for me to not use all my baby names for you. really really hard!), your love of counting and learning in general, still wanting to be held and sit on my lap in strange places, musical ear, observation, empathy, helpfulness, your deciding to call me mommy instead of mama. but most of all, i love you for being you.
every day with you is wonderful, little one. i can't wait for many more.
love,
mommy
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